DAY 105--DAYBREAK

ATTENTION FILMMAKERS:

Due to the multitude of cinematic sins perpetrated by DAYBREAK, a 2007 short film from Will Turner, I've devised this list of things to keep in mind (because I'm tired of seeing the same shit over and over). So before you and your friends take the camcorder to the backyard, remember:

--Make sure the music you place over action sequences is appropriate. I like ska as much as the next guy, but it doesn't exactly convey the proper mood of a zombie film (unless your story takes place at a Reel Big Fish concert). If it's all you have available, do without. If it's part of your "aesthetic," get over yourself.

--Having a roomful of obnoxious gaming nerds sitting around talking about zombie-related what-ifs does not count as either characterization or foreshadowing. And for the obligatory screenshot of an established horror classic, always use the original version of DAWN.

--Slow zombies or fast zombies. Choose one or the other.

--Zombies are the soulless, sentient husks of the dead. Therefore, they should not cry out in pain when you hit them.

--Shaky hand-held camerawork is a tired and overdone technique. It sucks when done properly by professionals, Done by amateurs, it's nausea-inducing.

--Zombies in red gym shorts are scary, but not in the way they're supposed to be.

--Just because you really, really like zombie movies doesn't mean you're qualified to make one. A film, even one that runs fifteen minutes, tells a story, and let's-run-from-the-zombies-until-we-die or zombies-have-taken-over-the-world-and-I'm-all-that's-left isn't a story. This is especially frustrating when you assemble scenes that show a considerable amount of potential then fizzle without any payoff.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled bitchfest.