Short films are a crap shoot. Sometimes you'll find something charming and entertaining, but often (as previous entries in this blog will attest) you get stuck with a shallow slice of non-story from an amateur with a camcorder. Guess which category BITTEN falls into. This 2007 offering from writer/producer/director/editor/cameraman Jaime Lucero Jr. is more a snippet from a bigger (crappier) movie than a genuine standalone short, and even at a mere three minutes manages to overstay its welcome.
The "plot" centers around three dudes with guns--soldiers? survivalists? who knows, I sure don't care enough to figure out--running from an unseen army of zombies (we know because we're told this is a zombie film) pause in a clearing to deal with the bite inflicted upon one of the men. The "conflict" is what to do: take the motherfucker to a hospital, or shoot the motherfucker? (Ah, it warms my heart to see that the notion of excessive f-bombs will instantly transform any dialogue into edgy, Tarantino-worthy patois is alive and well among beginner filmmakers). Apparently, neither of the non-bitten motherfuckers have seen a motherfucking zombie movie, since the bitten motherfucker rises to bite the motherfucking friend who wanted to fucking help him. The last motherfucker standing whips out a handy samurai sword to supposedly stab the zombified motherfucker (we're not privy to the actual killing), proving that maybe he's never seen a zombie flick after all (hint: you have to shoot them in the head).
With a synopsis like that, do I really need to go further? The actors aren't completely horrible (sorry about the backhanded compliment, fellas, maybe if you'd had some real dialogue I could better gauge your skill), and Lucero doesn't give himself much of a chance to showcase whatever talents he may possess, though it's a safe bet that he's not a film school prodigy.
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