DAY 250--BRIDE OF THE FLESH-EATING ZOMBIES FROM OUTER SPACE

Another student zombie short, since apparently I'm only fulfilled when I'm wasting brain cells by the bucketload. This 2006 offering from directors Elliot Marks and Alex Whitington is an ode to the so-bad-they're-good school of vintage sci-fi cinema, particularly the works of Ed Wood. And, like dozens of other amateur filmmakers, they seem to assume that if you're parodying bad movies you've got free license to suck as much as humanly possible. (Allow me to refer way back to Day 3's entry, I WAS A ZOMBIE FOR THE FBI, which proves that you can draw inspiration from hokey films and still be quite entertaining.)

BRIDE OF THE FLESH-EATING ZOMBIES FROM OUTER SPACE begins with an introduction by an horrendous Criswell stand-in, who goes to great lengths to warn viewers just how terrifying the movie is. It's a grating performance, though I did like his hyperbolic spiel (at least until it started getting beaten into the ground--there's enough drawn-out jokes in this thing to make Mike Myers gnash his teeth), but once the non-professional cast starts mumbling their way through the short, it becomes quite apparent that the Criswell wannabe is easily the highlight of the damned thing.

A few easy sight-gags are worked into the proceedings (like a boom mike intentionally lowered into frame), and the filmmakers managed to shoot in black-and-white for the proper look, but most of the "story" consists of high-school age students spouting dialogue--much of which sounds made up on the spot--that makes little sense, nor is it nowhere near as funny as these kids think it is. (Ever get stuck somewhere with a bunch of teenagers trading amusing anecdotes with each other? This is as hilarious as that.) I really wish I could tell you more, but I spent most of the short's interminable running time (eighteen of the longest fucking minutes I've ever spent) driving toothpicks under my fingernails to distract from the pain.

Seriously, this is one awful, awful little short, one that I'd advise you to give a wide berth. I really feel guilty even posting it here with the review, since your life will be far more richer without it, but I know the morbidly curious among you will feel compelled to seek it out anyway, and you should expend as little as energy as possible on this thing.

So here you go, ya fuckin' masochists.