Thursday, October 16, 2008


Definitely filed under "Special Interest," this 1990 straight-to-tape novelty from director Kenneth J. Hall (hiding under the pseudonym Hal Kennedy) is part horror-comedy, part softcore porn, and all an unabashed celebration of the ultimate '80s scream queen.

Beginning with the requisite shower scene (whaddya expect--it's a Linnea Quigley movie!), it's almost a video diary of sorts as Ms. Quigley, decked out in the eightiest of fashions, discusses her filmic career before getting into her workout. Don't bother with the sweatsuit for this one, fellas, since the only thing you're supposed to be working out--judging from Linnea's exercise apparel consisting of a studded bra and fishnet stockings--is your johnson. Linnea also encounters some out-of-shape zombies while jogging--and the result is what Michael Jackson's THRILLER would look like if it starred Richard Simmons--and invites some girlfriends over for a slumber party/exercise session. Have you gotten the idea this thing really isn't meant to be taken seriously?

With all the production value of a cable access program, this hour-long lark looks as if it was slapped together in a single day. Obviously, no one really gives a shit about that, but even as an excuse to ogle Linnea's goodies it's not nearly as titillating as it should be; there's very little nudity, and most of the routines are either too silly, too repetitive, or too conservative to be of any interest save for curiosity. (I've seen legitimate workout videos more erotic than this--anyone remember BODY BY KIANA?) Fans of Linnea might still be inclined, but too often she seems either bored or stoned, which doesn't exactly make it sexy.

LINNEA QUIGLEY'S HORROR WORKOUT is best appreciated by us Gen-Xers who stayed up to watch Linnea on USA's UP ALL NIGHT (and promptly headed for the bathroom during commercial breaks). Not funny enough to be a comedy, and not hot enough to be jerk-off material, it occupies a weird in-between that'll disappoint all but the most loyal (or desperate) fans.

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