Tuesday, December 25, 2007


If you're familiar at all with the cinematic output of crapmeister Jerry Warren, then I don't need to tell you just how wretched TEENAGE ZOMBIES is, a 71-minute bowel movement Warren pinched off in 1957 (and if you're not familiar, check out Warren's THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN, which is just as boring and moronic, but at least has a smidgeon of camp value to it).

Four teens, led by THE GIANT GILA MONSTER's Don Sullivan, on a waterskiing outing find themselves on an island where nefarious experiments (not as nefarious as Warren behind a camera, but pretty nefarious nonetheless) are taking place that will turn the United States population into zombies.

I, on the other hand, was turned into a zombie fifteen minutes into this godawful mess. For such a short movie it feels like a David Lean epic, thanks to scenes that relentlessly unspool without any sense of rhythm or pacing. Even when the end of the film mercifully comes it refuses to stop and let you free, as if it were some kind of psychological torture device (and who knows, in some third-world hellhole, it probably is).

Rather than watching TEENAGE ZOMBIES try repeatedly stabbing yourself in the face with a rusty fork. It's less punishing on the eyes and will be far more worth the time you invest.

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